I didn’t find you at the BOLDfest 2015. So far, then, you aren’t likely Canadian. A little piece of the mystery resolved. (Although I suppose I could return to Canada again to find you there!)
I looked for you among all the dykes- 125 playmates, some grizzled and walking with canes, others young and sexy in full femme fatale costume, lots of short haired boyish women, some odd women who appeared to be ducks (odd ducks, that is), and of course a few handsome gals who caught my eye now and then. But sadly, I was not up to the party! Talking to strangers while NOT drinking, as they drink and chatter and in many cases, see old friends- awkward, and I felt silly in the new clothes I had bought for the occasion. Did I really think I would find you at a big party in a fancy hotel? What was I thinking?
But so many lovely revelations, my dearest. Most important, I learned very clearly that I’m an urban farmer at heart. The city was so interesting and diverse and exciting- and crowded, noisy, in constant movement, and full of concrete and glass. I imagined you there, a cool Vancouver activist or artist, but then I couldn’t contemplate living there with you, darling. Back to Portland and my little “village”, I felt in touch with me again. Walking through the gardens this morning, picking tomatoes, taking to the chickens, plucking pregnant figs from their branches, and now listening to the crickets sing- my devotion to quiet, stillness and Mother Earth comes so clear to me.
Another clear revelation as I distill the turbulence of my longing into greater clarity; You are going to be kind. Down to earth. Compassionate. I met so many women this weekend who criticized and complained – about others, about the party, about things in general. The woman who struck me most was a soft butch retired financial planner who gave a lesson on our old age money plans- she was calm, gentle, non defensive when she was challenged, listened well and moved with dignity. I did consider her hands which lacked a marriage ring. But then I learned she was not you. She has a partner already!
With conscious and loving intentions, I salute you!